“The mysteries of my life haunted me for ever. With every social expectation that bestowed upon me a specific gender role created enormous stigma and pain within. I have always felt the pain of being a huge social misfit. I was never attracted to boys as I was supposed to be. I felt my gender roles were forced onto me to take me into a life of darkness. I had always wished I were a boy and someone had forcefully chopped off my genitals, but I had no one to share these emotions……
I left my home when I was 16. It was necessary to leave my home for having an identity for myself. And I have stolen a few garments of my brothers before I left our home. I always felt I was a boy and not a girl and hence I decided to become a boy from that day…………….
………………….I used to think that I had a disease that no one had a cure for. May be the cure was available elsewhere. I heard of Christopher Columbus who was then planning to visit the eastern world by traveling to the west. We knew that the world is round and he just wanted to discover a new route. I felt that was the opportunity for me to discover a new life elsewhere in this planet. I thought I might get some help for my condition in the eastern world.
When I started my new identity as a boy, I started living with boys and behave like them. My voice was harsh and I didn’t develop breasts as well. It was not very difficult. I took up a job in the dockyard hoping that one day I would meet Columbus and be a part of his team. I was hoping that as he would discover a new route and a new land, I would also discover a new life, a cure for my confused bodily state…..”
As I kept reading this I was amazed how one of our ancestors had narrated her story. I kept on reading and become amazed to the level of social insecurity the transgenders had those days. They existed but no one knew. Probably no one bothered, too. Her manuscript was written in Portuguese, I have translated the above in English.
No one in my family ever got the chance to read this. This was dumped in the dump room for several centuries. This changed hands and our ancestors thought this book would reveal secrets of life one day. So they had treasured it without really trying to decode it, as it was written in mix of multiple languages including Portuguese. Also they believed that this will be decoded by one in our family in natural course of time. I am that lucky person.
I was awestruck at the details of her vivid expressions of psychological trauma these people underwent. In modern age the trauma is not very valid but still these people lack attention. The social stigma attached to the transgenders may force some people to commit suicide. I am lucky I found it and got interested in their story. Now I will engage in remove shame from their life so that they can live happily among their own people blessed with love.